self deception

 

self deception

I spend so much of my time lying to myself.

I convince my relationship is the healthiest and happiest one I've ever been in;

it's just as toxic as all the others.

I tell myself my degree and work is fulfilling my ambitions;

i'm struggling with two minimum wage jobs and £30k debt for a career that feels miles out of my reach.

I tell myself i'm happy with how i look given we've lived through a pandemic;

looking in the mirror makes me nauseous and i have no motivation to change it.

i reminisce my teenage years and happier times;

they were the worst years of my life.

i tell myself i've lived my youthful years to the full;

i've spent most of them drunk and lonely.

i spend every day trying to convince myself i'm happy,

when i sit down to really think about it, 

it hits me like a bus.

i've wasted my teenage years folding under societal pressure and struggling with my issues alone.

i've wasted my university years crumbling under the stress and expectations of others.

i've wasted the best years of my life hoping the future would be better than the present; i forgot to live in the present